Dating someone new can be such a fun time in your life. Ideally, getting to know someone can be really exciting and establishing intimacy feels natural and easy. But for some people, as the relationship develops, you may start to notice little things that feel really “off”.
These uncomfortable behaviors—often called red flags—may start out small but can hint at future problems, so it’s important not to just ignore them or start to justify them. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel safe, respected, and valued — and that includes you.
What are red flags in a relationship?
Red flags in a relationship are warning signs that something might be wrong. Certain behaviors, actions, or attitudes might indicate a relationship is unhealthy or even harmful. They can be obvious, like physical abuse, or even subtle, like constant criticism.
Pay attention to these signals, because seeing unhealthy patterns before they become deeply ingrained can help you make choices that may prevent pain down the line.
Knowing what red flags to look out for can also help you make better choices about your relationship. You can decide whether to work on the issues with your partner or to end the relationship. No matter what you do, recognising these signs can help you set boundaries and build healthier relationships in general. You’ll be able to recognize what’s unacceptable so you can seek out partners who make you feel respected and valued.
10 Biggest Red Flags
Recognising red flags in a relationship is critical for your emotional and physical wellbeing, here are 10 of the most common ones to look out for:
1. They exhibit controlling behaviour
This occurs when one partner tries to be in charge of the other’s actions, decisions, or interactions with others.
- Exercising control over your social circle: Dictating your friendships, or placing limits on family visits
- Monitoring your activities including checking your phone, emails or social media accounts without your permission
- Making decisions for your about your life, for example your study, your courses, job, how you spend your free time or
- Financially controlling you so that you lose your financial independence and access to your own money such as not letting you work, making you transfer your income to the other persons account or paying off their debts for them, the always ask for a ‘loan’ which is never repaid, they monitor your spending and give you an allowance.
2. Dishonesty, Sneakiness and Stonewalling
When communication isn’t open and honest and when your partner refuses to talk about certain topics, that could be a red flag.
- They refuse to discuss really important topics which impact you too, avoid conversations about feelings, future plans or problems in the relationship
- They often give you the silent treatment, withdraw communication to punish or manipuate you, ghost you for periods of time to make you feel anxious
- They don’t value or respect that you have an opinion or belittle your input.
3. You Receive Constant Criticism from Them
- Notice if your partner frequently puts you down, makes you feel like crap about yourself, or undermines your confidence.
- They make negative comments about your intelligence, looks, appearance, clothing choices.
- They belittle your achievements downplaying or dismissing your successes and accomplishments
- They make fun of your emotions or concerns
4. You’ve Experienced Abuse
- Physical, mental and emotional harm a serious red flag that should never be ignored. For instance,
- Harming you or threatening to harm you physically – including hitting, slapping, pushing, choking or any other form of physical violence
- Stalking and monitoring you
- Using guilt, fear or intimidation to control you
- Yelling, name calling, defaming you
- Sexually abusing you
5. They Have Anger Management Issues
- An inability to control anger, aggressive behaviour, which may be harmful and frightening.
- Having frequent outburts, exploding in anger over minor issues or high conflict about things
- Engaging in destructive behaviour such as throwing or breaking things
- Making threats to harm you, your children, family, pets, your property
6. You’ve Experienced Gaslighting
This occurs when an abuser makes you doubt your own reality or feelings. It can include:
Denying things that happened causing you to question your memory or insisting events or converstations never took place which can make you feel unsure about your recollections or perceptions. You feel like you might “be going crazy” or “losing your memory.”
Blaming you for your actions by shifting responsibilty for bad behaviour onto you and guilt tripping you into believing you are to blame for something you are not responsible for.
7. They Display Secretive Behaviour or Keep Things from You
Hiding things from you or being overly private about certain aspects of their life can be a sign that something is wrong. This might include:
- Not sharing their phone or computer or being overly sensitive, secretive or protective of their digital devices.
- Being vague about their whereabouts, giving unclear answers about where they have been or what they are doing.
- Keeping financial secrets including hiding money, borrowing money from you, running up debts including gambling debts, in your name or jointly, or making large purchases from joint funds without your prior consent.
8. They Have a Substance Abuse Issue
Substance abuse can severely impact your relationship or your partner’s ability to function normally. Especially if:
- They are intoxicated regularly – drunk, high or under the influence more than being sober
- Spending more time choosing substances than spending quality time with you
- Illegal drugs are being delivered or stored in you home or property.
- Spending excessive joint money on supporting their addiction.
9. They’re Dishonest
Dishonest behaviors can undermine the fundamental trust in a relationship.
- Lying about important things including hiding significant money, information or events from you
- Regularly breaking promises and not following through on commitments
- They avoid answering your questions directly or get angry for asking about the issue or inconsistency.
10. They Exhibit Extreme Jealousy
- While a little protectiveness may be normal, extreme jealousy can be toxic.
- They frequently accuse you of flirting or cheating
- They monitor where you are, who you are with, and why at all times
- They put your friends and family down and try to isolate you from seeing people and attend events and guilt you into staying with them instead of socialising.
Pay attention to how your partner’s behavior makes you feel. If you’re frequently unhappy or scared, it might be time to reassess the relationship. Talk to friends, family, or one of our psychologists to help you see red flags more clearly.
If you are concerned and need support to discuss your concerns and way forward, make an appointment today with one of our team:
Family Counselling Support Network or Separation Support Network
